Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
