apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You ate ashes out of my bong
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
