the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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