so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
