That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I deserve this hangover.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
