I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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