Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
