Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
