I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
