I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
