i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
