How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
