just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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