Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
