a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
