The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
