Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
