so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
