This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
