Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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