Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
