i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
