Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
