Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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