Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
