he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize