I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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