dude i'm inner monologue high
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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