It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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