6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
