I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
