i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
