Please, let me fuck your mom
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
