Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
