Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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