Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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