This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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