To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
