I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
