i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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