Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
