A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
