Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
