yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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