It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
