Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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