Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
