Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize