Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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