I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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