Already got asked if we're dating
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
