Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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