So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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