i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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