So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize