My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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